Authors as Musicians

Today we look at the musical equivalents for some famous authors.

Stephen King – Ozzy Osbourne: Born less than a year apart, the Master of Horror and the Prince of Darkness have led eerily similar lives. Both have overcome serious substance abuse problems. Both have considered retirement and then decided that retirement sucked. Both have had success in various incarnations (Ozzy with Black Sabbath and solo, King as himself and as Richard Bachman). And both continue to kickass in their mid 60s.

Dan Brown – Nickelback: I had a friend post the following message on facebook: “Hey I have two extra tickets to the Nickelback concert tonight. Anyone want them?” The first response was “No thanks, I’ll just go to hell when I die”.Which was subsequently liked by 15 people. Nickelback is just a band, as Chuck Klosterman points out, that is totally acceptable to reflexively hate. Dan Brown is the Nickelback of the literary world. He sells millions and millions of books, yet gets absolutely no respect. If you tell people Dan Brown is your favorite author you would get the exact same look as you would if you tell people Nickelback is your favorite band.

Gillian Flynn – Halestorm: In 2006 Halestorm released their first EP, in 2009 their first album, and in 2012 released their second album which won a Grammy for Best Heavy Metal/Hard Rock song. In 2007 Gillian Flynn released her first novel, her second in 2009, and in 2012 released Gone Girl which is going to win should have wonGone Girl lost in the Zombie Round to The Orphan Master's Son. Damn you Lev Grossman. The Morning News Tournament of Books. Here’s the lyrics to Halestorm’s I Miss the Misery:

I miss the bad things, The way you hate me, I miss the screaming, The way that you blame me! Miss the phone calls, When it's your fault, I miss the late nights, Don't miss you at all! I like the kick in the face, And the things you do to me! I love the way that it hurts! I don't miss you, I miss the misery!

Boy does that sound like Nick and Amy’s relationship in Gone Girl or what?

Orson Scott Card – Ted Nugent: Both achieved early success with big hits (Ender’s Game for OSC, Stranglehold and Cat Scratch Fever for the Nuge) which they have continued to milk. Both have recently gone completely overboard on a controversial political issue (OSC – gay marriage, Nugent – gun control). And both are completely washed up as artists.